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Bambi's role in the kingdom. Heresy? Or just one of those really interesting little known scriptural gems I always dig up?
Todays Scripture: Job 39:1
Do you know the time when the wild goats of the rock bring forth? Can you observe the calving of deer?
As you the clever Bible Scholar you are have no doubt already noticed. Today were are in the blessed prophetic book of Job once again. I seem to dable much in this book having done all of my preaching from it's pages in the last 37 years. What scriptural truths shall we unlock today? Well you'll just have to read on and see won't you.
Now the first reaction I ever had to this passage was one of childlike curiosity. It was as though the Lord himself was speaking a powerful message through me as I read this verse aloud. And then it occured to me. I had no idea what time the wild goats brought forth. and indeed what they brought forth? Was it refering to some industry carried on my goats unbenost to mankind. Could there be a factory somewhere completely run by the cloven hoofed race? What would they manufacture. Who supported them and marketed their product? What did this all have to do with the bible? Everything in the scriptures is God breathed therefore their must eternal significance placed on these questions?
I must confess I was baffled. Then one night as I was in deep meditation. I realized that according to the second half of the verse the deer must of course be their bissuness agents? We've all seen the movie bambi haven't we? Well the importance of that movie is that it teaches us what great speach abilities every deer has hidden away! Therefore complex bissuness deals must be conducted on behalf of the goats by some finacially savy bucks! but what of the spiritual significance. Well it is of course an allegory of the herd..er..flock of Christ! The sheep and the goats! We are not to be industrious goats! We are not to the "deer" of this world facilitating them in their folley! We are to be like little lambs trusting and innoccent. Content to let shepherds such as yours truely(to support this ministry see donation envelope in front, rear and middle of this volume) guide you in the ways of righteousness, holiness and laziness. Remember the rode to hell is paved! And paving comes only through toil. So kick back enjoy that ball game. The grass will wait to be cut. Hey why not buy a goat. I hear they are hard working!
(Dr. Bullock is a highly disrespected teacher at a seminary that refusing to claim him fearing they will be kicked out of a large southern denomination. He has published many volumes on the christian life of which sails are in the tens)
Posted at 10:59 pm by azulojos
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Look out Vegas Here Comes the Holy Ghost
Todays Text Job 3:2 (NIV) "He Said"
Today’s lesson as you can see comes from what scholars say is the oldest book in the bible. Yes the great narrative of Job has for centuries depressed people and confused them. Yet today, today my friends we shall shed divine light on all, Hallelujah!
Today’s scripture comes from the third Chapter. And as everyone knows the number three has numerological significance. It represents the blessed trinity. And the verse reference specifically verse 2 is a holistic example of god and man. So as we can already see, God has deemed this verse the most important in the book, no the entire bible even.
So please sit back and relax as we delve into God’s word of truth for today!
Now the first reference to that of “HE”. Who can this be? Is it Job himself? Or is it a more important male biblical figure? My personal belief though scoffed by a majority of bible scholars is that this reference is actually prophetic and refers to a little know preacher is 18th century know as Edward Farfrompreachin. Edward as history books tell us was filled with the Holy Ghost. His powerful anointing enabled him not only to heal the sick cast out lepers and cleanse demons but he had the rare spiritual gift of "card counting". The gift of "card counting" though rejecting by mid twentieth century Baptist aiding Edward in his pronunciation of the gospel and resulted in monumentous returns as he repeatedly felt God’s call to take the offering money and head down to the local saloon! God in his infinite wisdom had called Edward to strike back at the sinful world by winning all their money in card games. This money he then used to build a community founded on godly principles. This community had strict rules such as: only using the direct personal pronouns “Thee” “Thou” and “Thine”, making sure every house had no reading materials but the God breathe KJV and restricting all forms of satanic hoedown music! Unfortunately he was killed when a stack of hymnals fell on him. But none the less that God foresaw his glorious ministry in the third chapter of the oldest book of the bible only serves to show God’s divine inspiration in history. And it is a powerful witness that you today reader can utilize this gift of the spirit. And when you do please find it in the goodness of your heart to make a donation to Gods ministry where you feel led.(donations can be made out to: Jacob Bullock, Total Heresy Ministries 666 Lightning Bolt Fodder dr. Se 12345)
As for the second half of the verse….we can only assume that Job was about to say something.
-Dr. Jacob Bullock head of the department for making up really stupid stuff about the bible at Heresy University.
Posted at 11:33 am by azulojos
Guest Commenator: Rob Taylor
1 Kings 17:1-6 In verse 1, Elijah proclaims the coming of Christ in stating “there will be neither dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word.” We understand from John 1:1 that Jesus is also known as ‘The Word’, so this must mean the coming of Christ will happen at the breaking of a drought in the time of Elijah. This would make Elijah the messenger before the promised Messiah.
Verses 2- 4 are very striking in comparison to the messenger in the desert. East of the Jordan is definitely the desert and living off the land being fed by ravens and drinking from a brook is a sure sign. Furthermore God, is a jealous God and he wants his ‘Word’ proclaimed not just in the streets of Jerusalem but also among the non-Jews so it makes perfect sense to go to the desert. Now what does “hide in the Kerith Ravine” mean to us today? Obviously we are not to be among those who claim piety and religiosity hypocritically, but commanded to withdraw from the evils of this world and become monks and nuns respectively, holding to the true teachings of the Bible.
A second look at verses 3 and 4 shed light on another aspect of the same passage. Ravine defined by Merriam Webster is “a small narrow steep-sided valley that is larger than a gully and smaller than a canyon and that is usually worn by running water.” This helps us see the importance that Jesus actually did come from water as there was the brook in the Kerith Ravine spoken of. First, we know that Jesus claimed he was the living water to the Samaritan woman at the well. The Ravine is a slice, a cut, into the earth and our hearts are at the depths of our body, and rightly so the Messiah will be born at the heart of the earth in the Ravine. What better picture of a cornerstone that the builders rejected than to be born in the desert. If coming directly from a source of water doesn’t spell divine I don’t know what does.
There’s not much to say about verses 5 and 6 but that of necessities. We clearly see that a holy diet should consist of bread and meat twice a day with water. It is not wrong to say shame on those who consume a midday meal for they are lazy, pigs, who can’t control their stomach. I mean isn’t the body more than flesh and bones? Man does not live on bread alone but by the very ‘word’ (Jesus) of God which comes from the brook. Again emphasizing the birth of the Messiah through the brook in the Ravine.
In summary, Elijah is the messenger in the desert and Jesus came from the brook in the Kerith Ravine much earlier in history than originally thought.
Posted at 12:20 am by azulojos
A sturn warning to the all!
Jdg 15:4 And Samson went and caught three hundred foxes and took fire brands, and turned tail to tail, and put a fire brand in the middle between two tails.
Jdg 15:5 And he set the brands on fire, he let them go into the standing grain of the Philistines, and burned up both the shocks and also the standing grain, with the vineyards and olives.
Today's isogetical jubilee is found in the book of Judges.Though claimed to be a historical book by most commentators by divine inspiration it has been revealed to me that this book contains not the history of israel but a beautiful narrative of prophecy. We must look on Samson as the errent human of our sunday school years but as a powerful representation of the spirit of god.
Now as we begin to analyze verse 4 we are immediately faced with the gathering of three hundred "foxes". This can only mean one thing and that being that the lord in his wisdom in the latter days will use the means of irresistable grace to gather unto himself three hundred individu
als which to carry about his work. And these individuals are dubbed with the distinction of being "foxes". Therefore the hair of their heads must indeed be reddish brown just as the fox we have all come to know, love, and drive away from our rubbish bins. Yet from what place shall these people come. Where else but from the worlds concentration of reddish brown hair people. Yes, God's sacred irish catholics! For in his wisdom he has ordained that the irish be his chosen nation for evangelism.
Yet the rest of this enlightening verse? What could it mean? "Being turned tail to tail" what cryptic meaning could it have. There is only one kind of tail a human may posses and this is a pony tail. Indeed in the prophetic book of Judges Samson (i.e. god himself) is described as a man of long hair. Indeed! the lord has revealed to us that true service and holiness comes through prolific folicles! Every bible believing man, man woman and child in the world should indeed never cut their hair as a powerful symbol to all people that indeed we are the lords. But what does this mean in context? Only that God will have his three hundred irish catholic holy witnesses " gird up" the hairs of their head in preparation for service! and what is the fire that is spoken of? Is it not the convicting word of truth being given them for their long haired obedience? For the lord has revealed he shall send out his three hundred witnesses by groups of two. Yes indeed the holy number two! Just as in the holy sacrement of marriage the two are made one so shall the witnesses be bound by the word of truth! being bound by their "tails of holiness" as the witnesses' hair is intertwined in a symbol the infinite acceptance of God.
But what about verse 15? What insights does it further? Many indeed! For who shall be the targets of these witnesses and what shall be their message? The first thing we observe about this verse is that the lord sets his witnesses on fire as we have already discusses but then he directs them to "the standing grain of the Philistines". This phrase can only mean one thing. For as we know the philistines we a gentile people who lived along the sea and ran quite a prosporus trade in fishing. There for the Philistines had no grain. This is indeed another prophet allusion, hallelujah! for the "philistines" can only be the church today. And "standing grain" must refer to those in church who are lazy and not tithing, not donating to ministries and not support christian authors who provide their services(donations can be made out to: Jacob Bullock, Total Heresy Ministries 666 Lightning Bolt Fodder dr. Se 12345) Therefore God's threehundred witnesses shall be agents of his judgement not only the "standing grain"(stingy Christians) but all "shocks"(corny televangelists[authors still okay see donation information above]) with the "vinyards"(those who call themselves christians but fail to abstain from intoxicating drink!) and "olives"(for obvious reasons people who snore in church). Therefore as we rap up todays keen highly biblical analysis remember, if you are errent and not walking according to the word of life, beware. For a ponytail irish couple might set God's keen judgement upon you!
-Dr. Jacob Bullock Prof. of Making things up about the bible at some really aweful theological seminary.see donation information above
Posted at 03:40 pm by azulojos
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the newest part of my site. Indeed it features a little good natured fun by a ministry student. You see I'm tired of reading commentaries and hearing sermons that take parts of the bible completely out of context and force them to say anything they want. Why should everyone else have all the fun. So I the esteemed ministry student shall do my best at humorousely malapplying obscure passages of scripture for the enjoyment of all. My only concern is that I'll end up lightening bolt fodder :(. Well my entries shall begin tommorrow. so tune in for all sorts of bumbling episcopal antics :)
-Jake "Jauc" Bullock
Posted at 06:25 pm by azulojos
